Aug

14

When You’re On the Menu

14-08-2010

There are lots of horrifying ways to die, but if there’s one way that tops out list of the worst ways we could possibly go out, it’s being eaten. You know, we’re supposed to be at the very pinnacle of the food chain. And for the most part, the critters we share the planet with respect that. Maybe it’s just because we don’t taste very good to them, but there aren’t many animals out there that intentionally eat humans unless they’re too old or weak to catch anything else. Turns out, we’re awfully slow for being at the top of the food chain. Of all the animals that could send your wife to the bank with a check from your term life insurance policy, here are the worst ones we can imagine being eaten by:

  • Shark. Duh Duh. Duh Duh. DUH DUH. You know, if we’re in deep water that isn’t a good environment for us to protect ourselves knowing that we’re sharing the space with the apex predator of all apex predators, there’s at least some cause to believe we might get what’s coming to us if we get bit. Fortunately, most sharks prefer seal, and spit us out after a taste. Unfortunately, if you don’t get out of the water quickly, your blood will attract more. And, what could be worse that dying and realizing you were only an appetizer for the whole pack?
  • Bear. We don’t care which kind. Grizzly bear, black bear, polar bear. It all sounds equally unpleasant. Most people who get nibbled on by grizzlies and black bears just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Those bears generally bite people more because they’re pissed off than hungry. Polar bears, on the other hand, are one of the two critters on earth known to hunt humans under normal circumstances. The worst part of this is that you’re going to be eaten by an animal that people think is cute.
  • Crocodile. This is the other critter that will intentionally kill and eat humans under normal circumstances. Unlike the polar bear, though, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that if you get close, and he’s hungry, you’re convenient. Kind of like a TV dinner. Not the best meal in the world, but easy to prepare. Not that it’ll matter to you after he ambushes you, drags you under and drowns you. We just hope you had your term life insurance policy paid current.
  • Snake. Now this one’s just gross. The worst part is, the only two snakes big enough to potentially eat a grown person, the anaconda and the reticulated python, would have a bit of trouble jamming you into their mouth (it’s the shoulders that gives them trouble). The long and short of it, being eaten would be a slow, painful, rather gross process. Of course, you’d be dead by asphyxiation, so it wouldn’t matter, but the idea is enough to give you the heebie jeebies.

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